Wednesday, February 27, 2008

My New Cyber-Micro-Politico-Brewery

After careful consideration, I Obi wan liberali, being of devious mind, have decided to open up my own cyber-micro-brewery. The name is an original one “The Hornet’s Nest” and the menu shall be of a political nature. With so many inspirational Utah politicians to inspire “The Hornet Nest” menu, I know with all the fiber in my bean, that it will be a cyber-success.

The first item of business is to create the brews. Below are my first attempts at creating a mouth-watering menu of unique Utah brews.

Leavitt Lager- Our signature beer, Leavitt Lager is a pretty great beer, with a very pretty can. Though light on flavor and light on substance, JUST LOOK AT THE CAN!!. Also available on tap but trust me, you’ll miss the can.

Huntsman jr. Light- Like our signature beer, Huntsman jr. Light (Hj Light) has a smooth finish and a beautiful can. Hj Light also has half the alcohol, half the flavor, and twice the carbonation of Leavitt Lager.

Buttars Pale Ale- If you are looking for a bitter beer, no beer is better at being bitter than Butters Pale Ale (BPA). Our genetically engineered hops is intolerant of malt and is guaranteed to piss you off. Though we’ve eliminated the alcohol, we guarantee you the same hangover, and the same ability to insult people that drunken dry-wall installers have perfected for years.

Dougall Draught- Nothing says “draught”, like Dougall. Not intended for actual consumption, we’ve created the perfect gag gift for those you really despise. Made from moldy hops, rancid rye, and recycled b.s., this beer will explode upon opening, spreading bilacious liquid and fumes for several square yards (please don’t use around children).

Stephensen Stout- Dark and foamy, Stephensen Stout (SS) is drunk with power. Popular in board rooms and chamber meetings, SS strikes fear in mamby pamby wine sippers from the avenues. And with every pint on tap, we’ll contribute a dollar to the mega-business of your choice.

Bramble Amber Bock- Get off the ground with a frothy Bramble Amber Bock,(BAB). Feeling ambitious? Try a BAB. The extra carbonation will rise like a Senator in a safe district and the higher than usual alcohol content will make even Bramble’s bills look good.

Curtis Cherry Wheat- Nothing speaks value (to us), like Curtis Cherry Wheat (CCW). A smooth hefeweisen with cherry flavor, you’ll forget that you paid us twice for the same beer. Like Greg Curtis, our motto is “one for the price of two.”

Hillyard Hefeweisen- Aged longer than any beer we make, “Hilly Hef” as we call it is a filtered wheat beer. A hef with staying power, you’ll smell like Hilly Hef for decades after having a pint.

Rocky Protest Porter- To city dwellers, nothing tastes better than a Rocky Protest Porter (RPP). However, the taste seems to decline the minute it leaves the city limits. Not recommended for the suburbs or for Rotary Club socials.

B & G Pilsner- Named after former House leaders Brown and Garn, this light beer has been brewed twice in reclaimed water. For those who believe in recycling, B & G is the beer for you.

I’m still working on the food menu and I welcome additional suggestions on beers. May the farce be with you all.

2 comments:

powstash said...

classic list! Made me laugh - especially the Huntsman Jr Light and the Rocky Protest Porter. Then again, the Buttars beverage is spot on.

mikey said...

Clever list. Well done!